A Moment in Our Life, A Lifetime in Our Hearts

There is joy in the midst of sorrow and suffering does nurture love.

On the first Friday of Lent, we were surprised to learn that God had blessed our family with one more soul.  We were so excited.  We waited to tell the children until a doctor's appointment confirmed our pregnancy.  We grinned and quietly rejoiced as we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.  It was the most beautiful sight and sound ever - a strong healthy heart beating with life.  We felt blessed and spoiled at the same time.  

We shared the good news with our eight children.  They excitedly held the ultrasound picture.  We started making plans for this new member of our family.

On Monday of Holy Week, I started spotting.  I knew this could or couldn't be a "bad" sign for a healthy pregnancy.  My pregnancy symptoms were not as severe as some pregnancies but certainly were steady and ever present.  On Good Friday, an ultrasound confirmed that our precious little one lived no more.

We were able to attend all of the Holy Week services together including the beautiful Holy Saturday three hour vigil which was highlighted by two of our children setting their hair on fire!

On Easter Sunday just before leaving for our extended family gathering, the miscarriage began.  Our oldest son took his siblings to the family celebration while my husband and I stayed home to let nature take its course.  It was an agonizing five hours of intensity and then just before the children returned things calmed.  We assumed it was over.  We slept peacefully that night only to awaken to another intense surge that found us rushing to our doctor's office.  I was hemorrhaging and the blood loss had left me extremely weak.  As my doctor worked on me I passed in and out.  My blood pressure had plummeted. Shaking and freezing I felt very little except extreme fatigue.  I couldn't open my eyes. I remember telling God I was sorry for all my sins.  I did not feel afraid but my poor husband has informed me that I gave him a good scare.  The doctor said, "We are calling an ambulance in five minutes if you can't get up." Prayers were heard just then.....I managed to get into a wheel chair and my husband drove me across the street to ER where I was pumped with fluids. Blood work was taken and an ultrasound was given.  After five hours, we were sent home with iron supplements, medication and orders to rest and rebuild.

Physically, the first four days were a blur of exhaustion, headaches and dizziness.  Dad and the kids carried the load of house and home.  Dear friends have brought meals.  Family has spent time with the kids.  So much community, love and support!  My strength has returned and now the other "symptoms" of our loss manifest here and there through out the day.  Up and down.  And so it goes.  We had another miscarriage nine years ago and remember that it took about six weeks before feelings of okay and normal returned.

While it hurts, we know our mission for this child is complete.  We trust that in heaven there will be a beautiful reunion!  We have two souls interceding for our family now.  Grace Marian and Mary Jude, we miss you and love you.  Please pray for us.

“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

“Some people say it is a shame. Others even imply that it would have been better if the baby had never been created. But the short time I had with my child is precious to me. It is painful to me, but I still wouldn't wish it away. I prayed that God would bless us with a baby. Each child is a gift, and I am proud that we cooperated with God in the creation of a new soul for all eternity. Although not with me, my baby lives.” 
― Christine O'Keeffe Lafser, An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death